He took a while to get his shoes on and make his way out to the car. As we pulled out of the driveway I heard him start to sniffle.
"Will, what's the matter, buddy?"
"I don’t want to go to the doctor."
"What are you afraid of, sweetheart?"
"I don’t want them to stick anything in my nose!" he burst in to tears. Clearly the flu test he was given at our last visit to the pediatrician was slightly traumatizing.
I took a deep breath. "Will, do you trust mama?"
"Yes." He whimpered in about sob-separated syllables.
"No one is going to put anything up your nose today. I promise."
"What if they try?"
"Mama wont let them, buddy. If I tell them not to, then they won't. Do you believe mama?"
"Yes."
"Then you don’t have to be afraid."
Silence filled the minivan once more.
I thought back to what I read in God's word this morning. Moses was giving a pep talk to the generation of Israel whose parents had not been allowed to enter the promised land. He was rallying them to go in, pushing back their fear with reminders of God's sovereign care over the last 40 years in the desert. His deliverance, character, trustworthiness, control, and love for them were put forth as reasons they could walk forward without fear instead of shrinking back as their parents had done, terrified by the size of the enemy and forgetting the promises and ability of their God.
My thoughts were interrupted by the sudden onset of another round of sobs from the back seat. "Are they going to hurt Walt? I don't want him to cry."
This one was tougher.
"Will, Walty actually probably is going to cry this time. He's going to get two shots today so his body will know how to fight sickness so he can be healthy and strong. It'll probably surprise him and pinch a little bit. And he'll cry."
"Mommy, tell them not to! If you tell them not to do it they wont give him the shot." He cried.
My eyes welled up with tears, partially because of the precious display of brotherly empathy but mostly because I immediately recognized the feeling from wrestlings in my own life and heart.
"Oh sweetheart, I would never let Walty experience pain unless it was going to help him. Mama hates for either of you to hurt. But we are going to let him hurt for a little bit to keep him safe later. So his body will get stronger."
I thought about how confusing it must be for our three-year-old to hear me explain why his mama would allow someone to "hurt" his little brother when we constantly remind him that it’s our job to keep them safe when encouraging him to obey.
I sat in the driver's seat after we pulled in trying to encourage him with examples of my own power and protection and trustworthiness, reassuring him with my love for them both. I told him that we would encourage and comfort Walt when he got his shots and that everything would be okay. He believed me and walked in bravely, reminding me that he would be getting a sucker and a sticker when we left.
Although my reassurance seemed to satisfy my son, there's a glaring flaw in the security I offered: I don't always know what's best, I'm not always truthful with my kids, and I am no where near all-powerful. Countless times in motherhood I have given them reason to not trust me. They've both been hurt on my watch (who hasn’t bumped their kid's head trying to get them in the infant car seat?) and I haven't always been able to get there in time to keep them from unintended pain. But God is all-knowing, perfectly truthful, and all-powerful. My love for my children is flawed and my motives are always mixed, but his love his children is pure and he does not waver from his commitment to their good and his glory.
When it came time to hand our 7-month-old squishy little brother to the nurse, Will grabbed his face and whispered "You don't have to be afraid because God is with you, Walt." I held little brother's arms down as she administered the vaccine. He cried. Will cried. And just like always, mama's eyes watered too.
Will was reassuring his brother with what have taught him to say in his moments of fear with a Q and A: "Why don't we have to be afraid? Because God is with us."
When we experience pain or fear what we perceive in the distance, we can walk forward in the way that he's called us with perfect confidence that our God is both fully in control and fully committed to our good. And when it's hot in the desert, when we want different food to eat, when we are thirsty and tired, when we wonder if he's forgotten us and consider if it might have been better for us to remain slaves, we must heed the words of Moses to the Israelites. We must remember all he's done, and all he's promised, and look for his manna, his gracious provision in our own lives. He does not allow us to experience anything that will not accomplish something for our good and his glory. He is with us. He is for us. He is fully in control.
Rather than leading to doubts about his goodness, reminders of God's sovereignty should always serve as sources of comfort and hope. Because we know who he is and what he's up to from stories like those in the Pentateuch and more poignantly in his display of sacrificial love for us in the cross of Christ, we can face pain and fear with courage and confidence that whatever he ordains is right. Whatever it is in your life that my be causing you to doubt his sovereign care today, be encouraged that those things, however fearsome or painful they may be, are serving to bring about a greater "safety" than any earthly comfort can offer.
There is a day coming, when we will enter the land promised to those who love God in the new covenant of Christ’s blood. In that place there will be no sickness, sorrow, pain, or death. We will live without fear and we will see by the glory of the Lord. But until then, as we wander as sojourners, pilgriming through a barren land, we lay hold of the promise by faith, and senseless suffering suddenly becomes a cause for hope and joy: we are being perfected, we are coming to know Christ more fully, and God is getting glory as we are transformed and his purposes are accomplished. Thanks be to God for his sovereign care. He permits the trials we experience to make himself our only hope, teaching us to trust his wisdom, his goodness, his love, and his power.
Whatever my God ordains is right,
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whatever He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God,
Though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall
Wherefore to Him I leave it all
Whatever my God ordains is right,
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me
I take, content,
What He hath sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day
Whatever my God ordains is right,
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true,
Each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart
Whatever my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father's care
Is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all
-Samuel Rodigast