I felt the tears coming as I spoke. “Ma’am,” I tried to say with composure, “I have been on the phone with four people this week. Every single one has given me a different answer, passed me on to a different department, or promised me a call back that has not yet come.” And then, through more than a few pauses to attempt to keep my breath steady, I stumbled through the final sentence. “I am just trying to figure out how much of my son’s therapy is covered by insurance. That’s all. I need someone to help me find the answer.”
The official diagnosis had come just days before, and at the time I felt ready for it. We had watched for months as my son failed to meet developmental milestones, and I knew what the specialist would confirm: autism. We were given a packet of information on the disorder, a list of local resources, and a strong admonishment to pursue a very expensive therapy as soon as possible. I left the office with my precious nonverbal two-year-old, spirited four-year-old, sleeping seven-month-old, and a can-do mentality. I would tackle all that was required of me for the sake of my little boy, keep my other children’s lives as “normal” as possible, and be steady and faithful doing so.
But a mama can only keep her head and heart separate for so long. Soon enough, the grief outweighs the to-do list, and that weight hit me during the fourth frustrating phone call with the insurance company. My head knew that therapy, IEPs, sensory rooms, and a whole lot of limits were going to be the new normal for our son and our family. My heart was screaming out: You must have the wrong mama for this work, Lord.
It is so tempting to sit in our feelings of inadequacy, to grumble and complain to our friends, or to “check out” with any number of distractions in order to avoid facing the hard and humbling work motherhood often requires. But even in the moments when we see our limits and feel ill-equipped for what must be done today, God’s Word speaks so clearly to us. In Scripture, we see two vital things: first, when we feel like we are the wrong person for this job God has called us to, we are in the company of many, many faithful saints. And second, our hope is not in anything that we are, but in who our God is—the God who meets us in our weakness and covers us with the grace and perfection of Christ.
Moses, the shepherd God would use to lead the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt, attempted to give the Lord several reasons not to choose him for that role—objections such as, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt? … Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent … but I am slow of speech and of tongue,” and finally, “Oh, my Lord, please send someone else” (Ex. 3:11; 4:10, 13).
Jeremiah, when he was called by God to give a prophetic word to Israel, responded with, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth” (Jer. 1:6).
Elijah, even in the wake of seeing God do the humanly impossible work of defeating the prophets of Baal, when he heard that Jezebel wanted revenge on him, fearfully cried out, “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life” (1 Kgs. 19:4).
With each of these objections, each feeling of, I am not the right person for this, or, I cannot do this work any longer, God did not answer his chosen servants with trite sentiments of their worth and goodness. Very unlike the ways we encourage one another in our hardest moments, God never said, “But you are a good speaker!” or “You do have the wisdom to do this!” or “You are strong; you can keep going!”
Instead, every time one of these ill-equipped servants cried out to God, he responded by reminding them who he is, not who they were. He overruled each one of their objections with truth: “I will be with you” (Ex. 3:12); “I have put my words in your mouth” (Jer. 1:9); and come and see what I will do next (1 Kgs. 19:18). It never was about their ability; it was about God’s ability fueling their obedience.
The same is true in motherhood. Our sovereign God knew every detail, every talent and weakness, every bit of who you are before he made you a mama and entrusted your children to your care. When we feel ill-equipped, we can trust God’s provision and the many forms it may take. We can find true and lasting hope knowing that no matter what is in front of us, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8). Before we could get it together, before we realized we will never have it together, Christ offered us salvation through his death and resurrection, based on no merit or sufficiency of our own. That’s who he is: a good and merciful and compassionate Father, who exchanges our weakness and inability for his perfection and grace, equipping us by the power of his Spirit to accomplish the work he calls us to do.
My son’s diagnosis was not the first or last time I have felt deeply inadequate as a mom. Adding children, foster care, sinful hearts, spilled juice, and a hundred other big and small factors makes me want to plead often, “Oh Lord, change these circumstances; I’m not right for this!” But in his kindness, he doesn’t always do that, because God is not asking me to feel equipped. He is asking me to trust his character, his purposes, and his Spirit’s sanctifying work in my life as he wills and works for his own good pleasure (Phil. 2:13). The most gracious way God responds when I insist he’s got the wrong girl is taking my eyes off myself altogether, and putting them back on him.
QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION / APPLICATION:
How have you tended to “check out” in moments of inadequacy in motherhood? What specifically do you run to? How do these things fail you?
How can you practically remind yourself of the truth that God is sovereign, that nothing escapes his notice, and that he alone is big and good enough to carry you through what you cannot handle? Who in your life can you ask to remind you of these things?
Katie Blackburn lives in the Pacific Northwest with her husband Alex and their 5 little ones, one of whom came to them through foster care. She is saved by grace and runs on cold brew coffee and quiet mornings at her desk. She is also a regular writer at Coffee + Crumbs and a contributor to The Magic of Motherhood (Zondervan, 2017). You can find more of her writing on faith, motherhood, special needs, and other life lessons on her blog or on instagram.